I like gifts. What I am realizing tho, is that I like gifts that make my life easy or enjoyable. I like gifts that make me feel good. I love clothes as a gift, I like boxes of chocolates(hint hint). Mark shared a quick devotional on Caroline's birthday Feb1 about her being a gift, from Psalm 127. I've been thinking of that and been encouraged by how some things are coming together for me about why this gift of children has been a joy and yet a bit of a struggle for me.
Don't get me wrong. I love my children! They are a gift. But they aren't a gift like the "gifts" I get on Christmas or my birthday. They are not gifts of ease(at least in the short term). They do meet some of my needs for love and affection and giving to others, but they also cause me to have to give up my self, my desires, my plans almost every waking hour of the day. They are killing me, in the sense that I am having to die to my plans and desires and things I think I want to accomplish, to die to my desires for uninterupted phone calls and times drinking coffee with friends. They are getting in my way of emailing or scrapbooking, or conversations with Mark. Anyway, the point Megan get to the point. The point is that I struggle to see my kids as the gift they are. And while I love to blame others, and have blamed them, I'm realizing more and more that the problem is me. You knew that of course. I've been more angry since having children then I ever thought I would be. Paul Trip helped me s
ee this in "War of Words" He said that if you say, " I was never angry until I had kids" that maybe you need to realize that the anger isn't generated by the kids, its yours. The anger was there before kids, they are just the squeezing of you that brings it out. Huh, that anger has been there all the time.
I am almost constantly engaged in a fight with myself or kids. I expect my kids to be easy, to obey, to understand. In fact I said to Caroline the other night, "why can't you act like an ____" I didn't finish because I didn't know how, an adult? a 15 year old? A 4 year old, oh wait, you are!
I was sharing my struggle with my friend Allie a month ago and she said, "you know you're not going to win right?" She doesn't remember saying it, but I thought about it for quite some time and realized that I hadn't really considered the fact that I wasn't going to win. Nor that I should. Now, I think process is important, and I'm in it friends, but the reality that I'm not going to win made me want to give up the fight. Maybe I'm fighting the wrong fight.
How about serving. I like to serve. Or so I thought. What I'm realizing is that I like to serve when it benefits me, when I get something back, when others see me. I don't like serving when it is constant, in private, at a cost to me.
I'm loving the book, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, by Paul Tripp(thanks for all the help Paul!). This is the best parenting book I've read! He's helping me to see myself more clearly and the struggle that I'm having with myself. He says that we are selfish, that instead of living for a King, for God's Kingdom, we want to live as mini-kings. We want our kingdom really and we were never meant to all be kings. He says this of self-kingdom seekers, "What they really long for is pre-sanctified, self-parenting children. They find the daily service and sacrifice of godly parenting to be a huge imposition. This is why Christ said that to be his disciples we must die to ourselves. No one can serve 2 masters." He says we must die to our own kingship to properly represent the one true King.
Guilty! Here is another paragraph that represents my thougths and attitudes much of the time, "Why are we so good at turning moments of ministry into moments of anger? Why are we so adept at personalizing what is not personal?Why does it seem that people, things, and situations are in our way? Why do we seldom go through a day without some experience of conflict? The answer to all of these questions is that we think of our lives as our own, and we are more committed to the purposes of our own kingdom than we are to God's. We need to recognize that the people (children-added by Meg) in our way have been sent to us by a wise and sovereign King. He never gets a wrong address and always chooses just the right moment to expose our hearts and realign them to his."
Phew. I sense freedom. I'm not sure how to get there. And lest I mistake that this isn't going to be a continual battle, I need to remember that it will be a fight. But, this fight seems to me to end in a better way, that of winning, than the battle I have been fighting that will only end in frustration. God is real, He is my helper, He has forgiven me and will continue. I want to fight the fight of repenting of my pursuit of my self-kingdom and fight the fight to give up myself and recieve what God has for me today. Whether it be crying kids, sick kids, disobedient kids, saying no to going out, giving up time on the phone or that ever growing list of things to do.
Pray for me friends. Its not getting any easier as yet another gift comes in 2 months! While I have been dreading it, I expect it to be good for me, not in my ease, or keeping my scheduale, but for profound joy and to become more like Christ.
Woah, I'm thankful for God's work in me. And for some relief from my struggle. Praise God for his grace to look honestly at myself and be able to repent and have hope of change.
Ok, I've got to go. Lawrence has been crying for 10min while I've been writing this. Its time to put this post into practice.
The following pics: Ice storm, no power again and tree limbs everywhere! Carolines 4th bday celebrations and talking with Grandma Susan on her bday:)
t, as long as he'll sit there!
He loves to play "parking lot" with his blocks and cars and trains. Ahhh, I like it when he gets into parking lot.
